The role of Mother is a complicated one for me. For the first few years I drove myself to madness, chronic hives and high blood pressure trying to be My mother to S. As you can guess, that did not work out so well.
I decided that a child given to me must need the kind of person I am to flourish. So I put away many notions preconceived to be the mother that I am. Oddly enough, I do not feel like a mother at all, more like a big sister. There are times when for safety sake or just because she is not old enough to handle certain situations, I must be an authority figure. But for the most part, our relationship is a collaboration.
Internally I identify as daughter to some concept of the Archetypal Mother that is both inside me and all around me. Maybe this is partially because of my waking dreams of being the ever unencumbered Maiden flitting through Life, soaking up experience with abandon. Yeah, selfish I know, not very “motherly”. In the beginning, about every three months or so, I would calmly tell K I was running away. Good luck, maybe I would come home eventually, maybe not. He would then bring out the prepared speech that he recited on these occasions. Telling me that they needed me and I had promised to stick around until S was at least 18. I would nod and resign myself once again to the task at hand.
But really, it is because I take so very seriously the responsibility of Motherhood that it seems overwhelming and all consuming. I can’t imagine being responsible for more than one. I had not planned to get married or have children, but then I met K and it seemed natural and right to have a child. I am still amazed at how life takes unexpected turns.
I love her and she has changed me in ways I could not have predicted. There is joy, happiness, love, contentment, and companionship that I am not sure I would have ever found without her. I think it is really her place to see me as Mother. It is a title and honor only our children can give us.
I still have absolutely no idea what I am doing twelve years later. Does anyone?